Clean Slate of Sorts

If it seems like I have plenty of clean slates and fresh challenges and new goals etc, that's because I do. They serve a purpose for me in that I just can't grind anything in a sorta day to day 'this is my existence' way. I've always been the same actually, I need to see light at the end of the tunnel, even if the tunnel itself isn't that bad.

For example when I was working it was always with an eye on '6 months of this, then I'm switching jobs', etc. I speak to some of my friends who live and work in Hull, and god do they make me depressed sometimes. 'I live for the weekend mate', says one with a bog standard retail job. Another who works for the council tells me that at this rate his mortgages will be nearly paid off when he's aged 50. Brilliant. Both are happy doing their day to day life grindathon, but I do think such people are ripe for a mid-life crisis when they wake up one day and think fuck my life is gone.

So if you'd told me 2 years ago that I'd be grinding 200nl for the next 48 months I'd have been sorely depressed. If you told me that now, I'd be sorely depressed. It's my job to make sure that doesn't happen, and that I can move up limits, actually have some money in life and do something that will then make more money, maybe business maybe high BI live tournys, leading to the ultimate goal of (yes laugh) having a farm which would basically be a sanctuary for rescued farm animals.

I played 400nl yesterday. I did so because I felt stale at 200nl. This is a bad reason to play 400nl ....... it meant I was doing so in a kind of 'day to day grind' mode, and just wasn't focussed or competitive enough. I got busted down to 200nl, with among other things:

$2/$4 Ante $0.80 No Limit Holdem • 5 Players • PokerStars

Generated by weaktight.com.

UTG	grogheadflow	$1,014.20
CO	noirduck	$1,644.80
BTN	M@cTeP Lee	$2,514.90
SB	MadAgenda	$603.60
BB	GusanoZ	$409.60

• Pre-Flop ($10.00, 5 players)Hero is UTG
• 

grogheadflow raises to $12, 1 fold, M@cTeP Lee raises to $48, 2 folds, grogheadflow calls $36

• Flop ($106, 2 players)
• 

grogheadflow checks, M@cTeP Lee bets $80, grogheadflow calls $80

• Turn ($266, 2 players)
• 

grogheadflow checks, M@cTeP Lee bets $95, grogheadflow raises to $260, M@cTeP Lee calls $165

• River ($786, 2 players)
• 

grogheadflow bets $625.40, M@cTeP Lee calls $625.40

• Final Pot: $2,036.80

• grogheadflow shows
• 

• M@cTeP Lee shows
• 

• M@cTeP Lee wins $2,034.80 (net +$1,020.60)
• grogheadflow lost $1,014.20

Oops. Well if you can risk it all on one ridiculous bluff, and never speak again of your losses, etc etc.

So that's buried anyway. It's been bugging me all day, but that draws a line under that shot, and what I need now is a new tunnel so I can start working towards that.

Current Bankroll is $10.5k. That should probably be written in red rather than green, or maybe yellow. There are stronger shades of green though so I'll leave it at that. Living expenses are covered until 01/01/2012. There are 37 days between now and then, and so my current goal is to be able to start 2012 with $20k which will enable me to play 400nl comfortably and kick on through the year.

I have to make $270 each and every day then. Well, slightly less with bonuses etc. This to me is a very modest goal the way the currrent 200nl games are on stars, especially 4 tabling. I've been very bad both with stoploss and time of sessions lately, this I must pack in. I can do both so long as I have faith that dog so is the best thing for me, but we all know it's sometimes very difficult in the moment. I basically just have to have a bit of pride and not exceed either. $450 session stoploss, and 1.5 hour session length.

First things first though, as ever, win today !